Smile.

       So today I saw her for the first time.
She was nothing close to beautiful but she had all the world's wilderness hidden in her eyes. Her eyes were deep and brown. So deep that even the ocean would surrender its depth to it. She was wearing a tiny black dress. A dress that only covered the hem of her inner. It was not an inch longer. She was tiny, just like me. I assume she was around 17 or 18 but definitely not more. Her hair was cut like a tramp's untidy hair. Short, black and unkempt, exactly that way. And she, for me, was magic.
I saw her in my backyard this afternoon. Staying in a country side makes me lonely and she, I assumed would be my only friend. I went up to her slowly and asked very politely, "Hey there, looking for something?. I am Ronda, I can help." She looked at me and smiled and that smile I cannot describe. The curve on her lips made the skin near her eyes wrinkle and at that moment she looked thirty years older. I was so astonished that before i could react she vanished. Simply vanished as if she was a fairy. I returned home and took a bath.The day continued like any other day except that I couldn't get over the girl. The girl whose name even was a mystery to me.

       Today I saw her near the fence.
 I need to talk to her, I thought. I ran out of the house into the garden. The rose bushes bruised my skin. Today she was wearing a short white dress. It was white. Maybe whiter than snow. She looked at me and smiled again. But today her smile was different. It didn't make her skin wrinkle. And her eyes seemed to have changed its color. Not really though but they were a lighter shade of brown. I finally reached the fence and she still seemed far from me. I shouted out to her, "Hey, I am Ronda. You are?", She laughed loudly like that was the funniest joke she had ever heard. I gazed at her wild perfection and suddenly she replied "Smile". I wanted to confirm what she said and asked, " Smile. Is that your name?" She nodded. A nod you could never get if you did not look at her intently.

     Today I saw her early morning.
She was standing outside my backdoor and staring at me from the corner of the curtain with her cold brown eyes. Her dress was red today. A tiny red dress. "Smile, what are you doing here?, Come inside. " I don't know why but i didn't want my aunt to find out. I wanted to be alone with her. Like she belonged only to me. My only friend. I couldn't accept to share my moments  with anybody. I couldn't introduce her to earthly beings because for me she was a fairy, she was my fairy.
She came in and stood in one corner. Near my cupboard. She didn't talk much but in her constant smile i found my home. My real home. She suddenly walked up to me and let out a laugh. A coarse loud laughter. The laugh was so screechy that it hurt my ears. but I didn't mind. After a while she stopped and said, "You look ugly, let me give you a makeover."
I agreed at once. She brought out the scissors from my drawer.I wondered how she knew it all but I dared to question her. She came to me and said, "Ronda, your hair is too long and beautiful, and too much beauty is ugly."
In the evening my aunt returned and screamed, "Ronda, learn to be ladylike. You have cut your hair like a tramp. You should not have tried to scissor your own hair."

    Today she visited as usual.
She sat near the window with a bag in her hand. I asked her,"Smile, what's there?". " A few dresses."she replied curtly. She was beautifully strange and her ways were magical to me. I knew nothing more than her name but I dared to ask. I couldn't lose her. She was my only friend. Suddenly she walked to my wardrobe and opened it. She burst out laughing. But this laugh was different. It was sensuous and demanding. It was loud yet alluring. I waited for her to stop. She then turned to me and said, "Ronda, your clothes are too decent and to much decency is indecent". She unzipped her bag and gave me a little blue dress. She smiled and asked me to wear it and left.
In the evening my aunt was furious to find all my clothes in tatters. All of them had been cut short. She stormed out of my room ordering me to fix them up into decent robes but I didn't care to listen, after all, 'decency is indecent.'


    Today she came a little late. My aunt had already left by then.
She was wearing a tiny purple dress. She walked in with a smile. A smile that had thousands of stories to tell. Her eyes looked bright. She had a matchbox in her hand. We sat quietly for a while and then she walked up to my bookshelf. She opened it and laughed. A laugh that was too heavy. It was dark and whole. It was as dark as the thickness of the night. And then she stopped. She turned to me and said, "Too many books I see, too much knowledge, but Ronda my darling, too much knowledge makes you blunt." Then she gently began to bring down my books one by one and stacked it right outside the back door. I wanted to stop her but I couldn't. I let her bring down my life slowly and gently. After she was done she called me, "Rondo, come do this". She lit a matchstick and handed it over to me. I wanted to blow off the match stick but my mouth didn't seem to have enough air. I wanted to ask her to blow it off but i couldn't speak. My voice didn't have strength enough.Only warm tears rolled down my cheeks. I dropped the lightened matchstick on the books and witnessed my life turning to ashes.
In the evening I heard my aunt saying, "She needs help, Frank. She needs serious help."

After dinner I cried myself to sleep. And in my dreams Smile appeared and she questioned me time and again, "why do you listen to me, Ronda? Why? Why?". I had no answer.

     Today she was already there when I woke up.
She was sitting on my bed as if she was waiting for me to wake up.Today she was wearing the same black dress she wore the first day I saw her in my backyard. As I woke up she smiled at me. Her smile was warm. It made me feel like home.Her eyes were deep today. A very deep brown. I felt a great deal of affection from her. There was warmth and oneness. She was my only friend. She suddenly took my hand and walked me to the mirror. I stood there frozen and she stood right behind me.
Alas! Two identical figures with tiny black dresses. Two heads with black tramp like hair. Two pairs of deep brown eyes both having the capacity of challenging the oceans. The only difference was Smile was laughing, a laugh so loud and deep that it made my existence shudder  as I stood there stone stiff. She left my hand and walked a few steps backward. I could see her reflection on the mirror. She went to my drawer and took out my scissors. Then she came and stood behind me. For a split second i wanted to run away but how, how could I leave my only friend.?
She took my hands and gripped them tightly and slowly whispered into my ears, "You are too lively Ronda, and too much life leads to death." I saw her hand moving upwards, it was moving towards my throat. I finally smiled and said, "Smile, you are my only friend."

In the evening, my aunt found my blooded body near the mirror.

Equality, maybe?

     10 years ago...

  When i opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling, i was blank, I still didn't really know whether i wanted the answer. I did not want to know whether I had given birth to a boy or to a girl. No, don't mistake me for a woman who thinks a girl in any way is inferior to men but i wasn't sure of my reaction. A very small part of me knew the reality and the reality was that in some way or the other men had more advantage than women. Though the woman in me protested to this thought and screamed to me "you bias bitch, don't you know, they are equal?" the mother in me said, "if it's a boy, you at least know he is safe." My thoughts were interrupted by my mother-in-law's fierce harsh voice, "thank the Lord this modern bahu  of yours did something good. She gave us an heir. Your name won't fade away soon my son." This was probably the first time i heard so much excitement  in her voice. It was as if this was all she wanted from me, an heir to her property. My husband opened the door and entered the cabin. He probably noticed the void expression on my face. He decided to break the silence and smiled at me, "it is a baby boy my beloved, our baby boy". I smiled too and said, "i know". 

        I had met him while doing my MBA in Mumbai. And like everybody we had our story. We tied ourselves in holy matrimony 3 years ago and now we were parents to a lovely baby boy. Love being most irrational and marriage coming in a package of two families, i had to marry not only him but also his orthodox and conservative mother. This was the very reason  probably why I agreed to marry him in the first place, that despite of his mother's orthodox ways he managed to grow up just fine. He managed to cultivate in him noble thoughts that men and women were equal. However my husband clearly understood that it wasn't a very peaceful idea keeping my mother-in-law and me under the same roof. So we decided to shift to our apartment while she continued to stay with her in laws.

7 years ago...        One evening, after a tiring day at office, i sat in my balcony sipping my regular evening coffee and watching my three year old knight in shining armor playing with his toys. I loved being his silent observer. I saw him keeping his electronic toys on one side and his plastic toys on the other. After he had separated them he noticed that only one doll, which was definitely not something he would play with, was still to fit into any group of toys. I watched him intently waiting for his next action. I was too curious to know what he would do with that doll. And suddenly i saw him flinging the doll to the other side of the room. I was stunned. I did not know what to say. I got up and went to him. Very politely i asked him to go and bring the doll to me and then justify his action. He then told me "mamma, in our pre-school they distribute planes and cars among boys and dolls among girls. And when the dolls are given to boys they break the hands and tear the hair of the dolls and then throw it. So i thought this was the way of  playing with a doll, so i threw it." I knew it wasn't his fault. He was merely a child. He didn't even know how this action was symbolic and why was i shuddering with rage. Trying my best to hold back my tears, i told him, " beta, never do this again. Never hurt a doll or throw it around. If you don't want to play with it, don't, keep it on one side but don't isolate it. Let it be. Let it watch you while you play with the other toys.", i smiled and then continued, "My son... when you'll grow up... you'll know exactly what i wanted to teach you today..." and then i wiped the corners of my eyes and retreated to my room.

      In three months he was admitted to school. After clearing his personal interview he came running to me and told me, "mamma, will i study in this big school from now?", I smiled and nodded my head and then told him " my boy remember this, this world is much bigger than this school and this world is very cruel, from today you have to slowly understand what is right and wrong and how to stand up for the right and eliminate the wrong."


5 months ago...    "Mamma,did i do anything wrong?"
My 10 year old walked up to me one morning and asked. I looked at him and asked, "what did you do?"
"Mama, they were bullying her and teasing her, they were doing wrong things, she was crying and pleading them to let her go. I told them to stop but they didn't listen so i went and complained to the principal. He suspended them for a week.", I signed, "who were they, beta?", "two seniors mamma".
I pulled him close and kissed his forehead and uttered "I am very proud of you". This was probably the happiest day of my life. I knew for sure that my son at least knew how to stand up for the right. In his way he had learnt how to respect a woman.



2 months ago...    "Mamma, my annual day practice starts from tomorrow. Please inform the driver."
This was his favourite time of the academic year. He loved his annual day practices. Every year,during this time he came home with different stories each day.

Next day i came home and found him crying. I asked him what it was and he said that his stomach and back were aching. I gave him medicines and put him to bed. The next morning he had high fever so i took him to a doctor and the doctor said he needed to rest.


2 weeks ago...   After a leave of three long weeks he went back to school. The annual day practices were still on but he no longer returned home with stories. He went into a shell. He grew silent and lonely. Whenever i asked him what was wrong he either said nothing or didn't say anything at all. I grew worried and told my husband about it. He said that these were few changes he is undergoing. He told me to give it time and he'd be fine.

2 days ago..   When i returned from office, i found him limping. I asked him, "beta, what happened to your legs?", he replied in a hurried tone, "nothing mamma, i fell while playing".

Today...   And then it happened. The day i never imagined in my worst of nightmares.
I returned from office and found my son asleep. I took his uniform and put it in the laundry bag. I realised that i"d left his trousers in the bedroom. I went back to fetch for it. I picked it up from the rack and to my eyes came the shock. I saw blood stains. Tears ran down my cheeks. I hoped that i had seen wrong or what i saw was not what it was.
I knew i had to be strong. I had to help him out of this. But somewhere i knew it was my fault. How did i forget to teach him that this world had beasts which attacked men too?

   I woke him up and asked him," beta, tell me the truth. Tell me exactly what's going on. I can help. I promise. He hugged me and burst into tears. After a while of silent sobs, he looked up and said, "Mamma, why didn't you tell me they harm men too? Why didn't you tell me we were not safe?
I managed to ask him, "who were they?"
"The seniors i got suspended mamma"....